I’ve decided today that I’m going to take my first step in what I’m sure will be a gradual spiritual “coming out of the closet”.
I have been writing this blog for a while now, and for even longer have held spiritual beliefs that my family doesn’t necessarily think I’ve held. When I created this blog, I also at that time created the pseudonymn of Livewithwonder as well as a new locked twitter account different from my old one, and didn’t advertise the new account on my old one.
I did all of this simply because my brother followed me on my original account a while back and I was terrified to death of what my family would think if they knew I believed what I did. It’s kind of funny. I had no problems with strangers on the internet judging my beliefs, but as soon as things get close to home that’s when the fear comes. Fear that my family would reject me, or try to set me up with some church counseling in an attempt to convert me back, or that I would literally break my parents’ hearts, fear that my wife might divorce me, fear that my in-laws would be horrified of me and kick me to the curb (I currently live under their roof).
No more fear
After living this way for a few years, I’ve simply decided that I have no more room in my life for fear. None. I’m done with fear. If these things are to happen, let them be. At least I can say that I am honest about who I am. At least I won’t be a coward sitting in a church, actively listening to a sermon I know I don’t entirely believe. And who knows, maybe these are only caricatures of my family I’ve written in my mind. Maybe I’ve exaggerated to myself how they will react. Maybe sometimes the shadow of a thing is more intimidating than the thing itself.
For the record, as far as I know, my entire family are devout Christians, with the exception of a few Mormons on my wife’s side. Other than that, my parents, in-laws, brother, wife and son are all Christians. I can’t…really call myself that anymore. Family, and any other Christians who may know me, I’ve recently revealed this blog to you. If you are reading this, I apologize for keeping such a big secret from you, and know I’m not one of those fundamaterialist atheist types.
I’m not entirely sure what it is I do believe yet, but if I had to use a label, I’d go with: Buddhist, ignostic, deist, taoist, spiritualist discordian. Honestly, what I believe changes every day. Perhaps I agree with Ghandi. Perhaps my only true religion is love. I think I’d like that. I think I like the idea of keeping it simple.
I would like to dedicate this post to my wife. All this time, she has been the only one who has known what I believe, and she has been both patient and understanding, even though she believes I may be going to hell. She is an amazing woman and I love her. Her religion does not change that for me.
Until next time, be true to yourself.
Livewithwonder AKA Casey Young can be contacted on his blog at livewithwonder.wordpress.com, email through [email protected], and twitter at his ORIGINAL handle @mrthejazz1.
the @Livewithwonder twitter account will no longer be used since it has served its purpose.
I definitely know how you feel! I’m currently in the process of opening up to people around me and up to now i’ve only shared my beliefs with my best friend, who tries to understand but I know she can’t. I’m 16 and sharing my beliefs with my family is hard because they are die hard catholics and I live with them and see them everyday. Its even harder when your in highschool where people will judge you immensely if your just a little bit different than them. When I leave high school my plan is to surround myself with people who share similar goals and beliefs with me and give me the support I need! I feel it wouldn’t work out good if I told all of this on my family and asked them to support me. It would break their hearts for them to know I was anything but catholic.
what do you believe about Jesus? I won’t judge you by your response therefore I would greatly appreciate a honest response.
Thank you so much for posting this! It is so easy to feel alone in this big world and not realize that others have been through it, too. I have been fighting this battle with myself for several years now, and I know that, psychologically, I have done some pretty detrimental things to myself over a long period of time. Also, it isn’t just the battle of coming out of the spiritual closet but the other more well known closet as well. I am tired of the guilt, shame, and fear that I feel, but I am trying harder now to transcend it and move on. The fear is just buried so deep with in me that it is very difficult for me to root it out. I am thankful that there are people like you and the rest of the Spirit Science council here for me to learn from and help me to see the other sides of myself that I didn’t know were there. Blessings to you all! Namaste!
Props to you man.
Hehe, I kind of know what you mean. I believe in shamanism (I was skeptically researching it until I decided to try a meditation and found my totem and ever since my life has felt refreshened and spiritual), and my conversation with it about my parents felt awkward. I had to make it clear that I wasn’t one of those weirdoes who drug themselves to get “visions”. They accepted my change pretty well, plus my dad even knew a thing or two about shamans and we’ve had some cool spiritual theories discussed back and forth. If anything the conflict is with my Taoist philosophy way of thinking. Anyways everything is pretty good. It feels good to be open with your family, and exchange a variety of beliefs or conspiracies. Despite my dad being christian, I’ve brought up the jesus sun conspiracy and he was actually glad that I research religious topics deeply rather than bashing the possibility that I brought up.
I know how you feel. Everyone in my family is Christian, I was a christian until a few months ago when I decided to break the chain of religion and convert to spirituality. My friends know it, since I’m in a catholic school I’ve had a few discussions with my religion teacher, but I’ve told almost nothing of my beliefs to my family. I pretty much only meditate in the darkness of night or when I’m alone at home.
Well, it’s not completely all at once. If my brother never sees the site on twitter, I won’t even have a conversation with them right away.
I only told my mother’s side right away that is accepting of that stuff, they have lots of religion mixture on that side and my aunt was using stuff like Egyptian Pathway cards. My father’s side though I have been telling them slowly a few at a time so I can talk to them individually I know many of them have been through lots of bible thumping, so far quite a few are very accepting my father sadly did nothing but argue and would not listen, for him I gave up he dodges the subjects a bit anyway. I do try to explain stuff that they proved through science and so far that is the only parts he accepts. I applaud you for your bravery to tell them all at once.
Beautiful. Thank you so much for what you do. Its helped me and, I pass on all the time to friends. Namaste’
If someone were to ask me what my religion is, I’d say Love also, in fact I’ve had it posted on my Facebook info since I can remember having an account . It’s a lot easier than explaining that I don’t believe in one religion. Love. It’s as simple as that. :)
Well done mate!!!
Way to go, man! :D Must be glad you got it all out!
welcome, Casey! it’s an honor to have you here. welcome to the tribe. may you continue to learn, grow, expand and come to know what your highest and most vibrant truth as you traverse further into the open field of knowledge and love and away from behind the walls of fear and judgement. let us know how we can support you. it’s an individual journey, but not one meant to be done alone. we ARE all connected. this Truth I personally have come to know. many blessings, pheonyx
http://theocgproject.com/2011/09/28/blogshare-spirituality-means-waking-up-by-anthony-de-mello/
I can imagine it isn’t easy doing something like this. Like the commenter before me, respect man :)
that’s grand of you man, to come out like that. best of luck, and i hope your family is warm and accepting. my own family kinda did the ol’ “as long as you don’t corrupt any of us with your devil magic, then you’re good.” move. oh well, could be worse.
I enjoyed your blog. It’s a transition many of us find difficult. Our society is so very convinced about the reality of their upbringing, sometimes it is simply best to hold our opinion when among them. I think it is good to break out of the dualism of that belief system. Good / evil, god’s people / not god’s people, saved / not saved, friend / enemy, etc./ etc…. It only serves to seperate us. The only thing we really know is the fact that we don’t know. The answers must come from within, and they only apply to you. “Belief” by definition cannot be proven. Don’t put too much “faith” in it. Enjoy the journey, and always be as kind you can to others.
Respect :)