How To Heal The Pain After Leaving A Dysfunctional Relationship

If you are like me, you know what it’s like to suffer from broken heart syndrome.  I call it this because it is literally a medical term used to describe how the physical heart reacts to stress hormones during traumatic/stressful situations like failed relationships.  Your heart chakra will be impacted on a spiritual and emotional level, and this translates into your physical organ in a way that is now being recognized as a medical condition.

If you have a broken heart, don’t play it off as something that will just fade with time.  You are one of the luckiest people on the planet if you have a broken heart right now because you have the greatest opportunity for evolution that you could possible have as a soul.  You also get to experience once of the most emotionally rich and meaningful moments of your entire life.

That being said, there are some things that are important to keep in mind if you are looking to heal from relationship trauma.

Don’t run away from your pain. Feel it.shutterstock_333914579

Don’t try to numb the pain with Netflix, drugs, or a rebound relationship.  And don’t try to distract yourself from the pain by filling up your life and energy field with more things.  Move through the pain, not around it.

When you run from it you prolong your own suffering, when it reality sometimes all it takes is for you to slow down and fully allow yourself to feel the fullness of what you are experiencing.

Just like you wouldn’t try to distract yourself from a broken leg, you shouldn’t distract yourself from a broken heart, even if it is a little scary to go inside yourself and face the pain head on.  The truth is, “time” itself does not heal.  This is a lie we have been told that convinces us to just carry on and ignore our pain because it will eventually go away.  The pain will never go away unless you dive deep into it, because only depth can provide you with true freedom.

Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is preventable and is often times avoidable if we are willing to allow ourselves to collapse fully into how we truly feel.  Spend time alone in nature, go for walks, and don’t be afraid or ashamed to cry your eyes out if that’s how you truly feel.

See what the pain is showing you

shutterstock_381803809It’s our natural instinct to go into a victim mentality when we are suffering from a broken heart.  “I ruin everything and I knew I wasn’t good enough. How could I have let this happen”.

We repeat stories in our heads over and over without even looking to see if they are true.  Most are false, but from personal experience not all of them are false.  For example, I easily slip into unconsciousness and take people in my life for granted which ends up hurting them and creating a disconnect between us.

So if I get dumped because my partner didn’t feel like she was valued, special, and appreciated, I can either carry on with self-loathing or I can look at myself in the mirror and use the experience as a chance for self-improvement.  Instead of saying “I’m such an a**hole for taking people for granted all the time”, think to yourself “I took someone for granted when they were actually really special to me. I’m going to make sure that never happens again because relationships mean a lot to me.”

Use your pain as a chance to evolve, not as an obstacle that has to be overcome somehow.  Sometimes, personal breakthroughs require personal breakdowns, and a huge part of the healing process is to take something positive from each experience and use it to improve yourself as a person.

Let go of attachment, desire, and expectation

A lot of the times, the pain that is supposedly caused by an ended relationship isn’t actually being caused by the fact that the relationship ended with a person we loved.  It’s caused by a feeling of fear of being alone, the desire to be loved, the desire to love, the need to be needed, a loss of the feeling of success or togetherness that comes from having a relationship, and the loss of identity that comes with losing someone you imagined a future with.shutterstock_398480584

Pain caused by these things is a result of mental attachment, mental desire grounded in fear and selfish interests, and a bruised ego.

This isn’t to call the pain invalid, but for me anyways the pain is sometimes not fully caused by the trauma inherent to the situation and is instead caused by how feeling like I failed another relationship will impact my sense of self-worth and my desires to feel worthy of love.

Or maybe it’s caused by the pain of once knowing someone really well and now you feel lost because you don’t know them well.  In other words, it’s not really about an organic love for the person at all.

When we take an honest look at ourselves, we may find that attachment, desire, self-centered interests, and expectation lie at the heart of our suffering.  Sometimes, to be free from the pain of a relationship really comes down to breaking free from your own mind and the healing from the past traumas that are causing you to be needy, attached, or unable to let go and see things for what they are.

Build yourself back up. Heal as a person, and learn to love yourself.  Happiness is your birthright.  You don’t need to be in a relationship with someone to rectify your existence or make your life meaningful.  What you need is self-love and self-confidence, and this can only come from within yourself.  Remember, all things are temporary, including the pain you are experiencing.  You will one day look back at this time in your life with gratitude because of how much better and stronger of a person you have become.

“I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today.” – Charlotte Eriksson

Hope this helps! You are loved.