What do we see when we look around at how people are taught to deal with breakups? They completely cut out contact (forever in some cases), they try to force themselves to not feel sad or depressed by drinking or partying, they feel next to no self-worth for a while, and they have a permanent scar inside them from the memory of being hurt or betrayed by that person. Some people spend years, even decades together and expect to heal themselves using the conventional breakup model that has been fed to them by pop culture and society.
We force ourselves to move on without fully understanding what happened, and then we feel a weird dissonance inside of us for a long period after that because there was absolutely no clarity or transparency with what happened. Let me propose a much better model that I have been using for my current breakup:
1) Be close to one another
When you are with someone, you become a part of them. When you break up with them, act as though you are still a part of them. In an energetic sense, they really are still a part of you. If it is necessary to do so, be there for each other, support each other, lend a listening ear, and give each other permission to fully communicate how you feel at every level.
Just because you aren’t in a relationship anymore shouldn’t make you enemies, no matter how awful the other person was to you or how badly they hurt you.
Your parents and friends will tell you “you need to stop communicating with them”, or “you need to just move on and forget about everything”, but deep down you want to support them with their heartbreak and you want them to support you with your heartbreak.
This may mean hanging out occasionally, talking with each other on the phone, texting each other, or giving each other hugs.
Sounds crazy? What’s crazier is spending years with another soul growing and experiencing and then cutting them out completely when your intuition is opposed to it simply to appeal to the wisdom of a hollow society around you. Follow your heart. If it means healing with that person, then heal with them.
2) Try to understand what went wrong, when, and why
After breakups, someone gets hurt. Someone leaves feeling like they messed up or were misunderstood, and the other leaves feeling like they are deficient in certain areas of a person. There is confusion, pain, feelings of regret, and unspoken thoughts. Why not spend time trying to understand where things began to slip in the relationship and for what reason?
The best way you can be there for each other as people is to start to analyze and dissect the breakdown of the relationship.
Instead of just saying “yeah this just isn’t working anymore”, ask your partner why they lost feelings for you and at what time. Why did they lie to you, betray you, and not give you enough attention?
Why did they call you names so often, why were they so abusive, and why were they so neglectful at times? When you breakup with each other, one of you will end up feeling guilty or like you weren’t good enough. This may lead to insecurities or mental programs created that will interfere with future relationships.
Communication provides clarity and understanding which provides proper closure in a way that leaves you a little less heartbroken.
3) Forgive each other
Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. – Marianne Williamson
Apologize for your wrongdoings in the relationship and forgive one another for where you each fell short or missed the mark during the relationship. The only thing worse than a broken heart is a broken heart mixed with bitterness and anger.
I know people who are still angry at what their ex did to them 5-10 years ago, and that’s no way to live within the present moment. Forgive them in your heart, but also forgive them in a way where they know they are being forgiven so they can receive and return that energy.
Forgive them even if they aren’t sorry, so that you can be released from any negative residual energy from the relationship that may bury itself in your energy field long term. This may seem like an unconventional way of dealing with a breakup, but just look back on your life at any bad breakups and ask yourself if they could have been prevented through more communication, forgiveness, and supporting one another during the transition.